I often hear that there needs to be a conversation about mental health in this country but never does the conversation include those of us who live with a mental disorder. I followed the Lindsay Clancy trial and I’m hearing from women with no postpartum issues or women who had postpartum depression, which is a completely different beast than postpartum psychosis. I’m not hearing from women who experienced postpartum psychosis, so I’m here to offer up that viewpoint. I don’t speak for all women who suffered from the illness, I can only speak to my experience, but I thought it would be beneficial to give my perspective.
Before I get started, let me say that I am going off the assumption that Lindsay did kill her three children. I have heard the theories that Patrick Clancy was the one to commit the murders and I do feel the case wasn’t properly investigated. However, I have to go by what Lindsay herself is saying. Her plea wasn’t “not guilty” but rather “not guilty by reason of insanity.” Her defense attorney never tried to argue that she didn’t kill her children but rather that she wasn’t in her right mind when she strangled her three kids. I’ve heard that she never confessed but her plea at trial is her confession. I will respect her by going off her acknowledgement of guilt.
However, that is not to say that Patrick Clancy is blameless. If Lindsay was really telling people that she had thoughts of hurting her children, she should never have been left alone with them. This is an unforgivable act on Patrick’s part. Especially in the age of Instacart and Door Dash. There was nothing he left the house for that day that couldn’t have been delivered. He failed his children as much as the system did. Whether or not he should be arrested and tried for child endangerment is a matter for the state. I have very little sympathy for him.
Now for my experience with postpartum psychosis, I may have had a dark, twisted advantage over Lindsay. I’ve been mentally ill my entire life. Postpartum psychosis was when I first started hearing demons but I had been having auditory hallucinations for as long as I can remember. I can’t imagine being sane my whole life and then bam! Psychosis. Especially with three young children.
Yes, I did have demons tell me that my infant son was possessed and that I should kill him. It freaked me out but I will tell you a secret about voices- you don’t have to listen to them. They’re not real. I would look at my son and know the voices weren’t telling the truth. My son was never once in danger. There was not a single solitary time, not even for a split second, did I think to harm my son.
Then the demons switched tactics once it was clear that I wasn’t going to hurt my son. They started telling me that if I truly loved my son, I would kill myself because he deserved better than his crazy, mentally ill mother. This I almost started to believe and I have strong feelings against suicide. However, I had another dark, twisted advantage. I had a dead mother. I know how much it sucks to lose your mother and for me to deprive my son of his mother before he could make memories of her was something I couldn’t do. I loved him too much to leave him alone and I selfishly wanted to have a relationship with him. I wanted him to know me and not be stories told to him by others.
It took a year for me to get past postpartum psychosis so anyone saying that at eight months postpartum, Lindsay wouldn’t be suffering from psychosis, doesn’t know what they’re talking about. That was one of the hardest years of my life. Not only was I hearing demons for the first time, I had extreme paranoia and my thoughts were racing so fast, that I couldn’t talk. I actually had to retrain myself to talk once the symptoms started to subside. Through the entire time, I took care of my son whom I loved more than life itself.
That is something that is bothering me about Lindsay. She’s trying to be freed. If I were to have a violent psychotic break and kill my sons, you couldn’t stop me from killing myself. And, if you did actually prevent me from doing that, I’d beg to go to jail. I’d plead guilty and ask for life in prison because my life would be over. I sure as hell wouldn’t be asking for a second chance. I wouldn’t try to gain my freedom. What would be the point? I did the most unspeakable crime. Mothers are suppose to protect their children at all cost, not be the reason they die. I would trade my life if it meant saving my sons. I’m a pacifist but I would kill anyone without hesitation if they tried to hurt my boys. I wouldn’t be the one to kill my boys. I have a bad feeling that Lindsay is pretending she had postpartum psychosis to gain sympathy and to get away with killing her children. I wasn’t in her head at the time of the murders but I can see her actions now. She isn’t a champion for mental health awareness. Yes, she was trying to get help and the system ended up failing her and her kids but she’s asking for her life back and for the life of me, I can’t figure out why.
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