It’s the stress I can’t handle.

A few weeks ago, I had my semi-annual mammogram. I get to have one every six months because they are always finding clusters of cells somewhere in my breasts. My doctor wants to keep an eye on me even though I tested negative for the BRCA gene. I have a very low chance of getting breast cancer but there’s these cells they keep finding.

Anyway, a few weeks ago, I sat in the dressing room waiting to be cleared to go. Then the lady who did my mammogram said they needed to do an ultrasound. The ultrasound was done and then the lady said they needed another mammogram of my right breast. I started to panic a little. After the mammogram was done, I said I had to leave to go pick up my son. I was told they would call me with the results. I left and fifteen minutes later I got a call saying that a lump was discovered and I needed to come in for a biopsy. That was a Wednesday and the biopsy was scheduled for the following Monday. I spend five days trying not to freak out. I did my research on breast cancer. I tried to rationalize that breast cancer isn’t the death sentence it once was.

Monday came and I showed up for my biopsy only to discover the doctor who was set to perform it couldn’t and that it needed to be rescheduled for the following Thursday. Ten days later. I was a ball of nerves. I called my gynecologist and she sent me to a breast cancer specialist. That doctor could see me on Friday, just four days later. By this time I’m to the point that I can’t properly function. My anti-anxiety medication became my best friend and then I started to see people out of the corner of my eyes. I started to take my medication that helps with visual hallucinations.

Finally, it’s Friday and the very lovely oncologist tells me that temporary lumps are a side effect of the COVID vaccine and since my mammogram was seven weeks after my second shot, it falls within the range of just being a COVID lump. She set up a mammogram for three months just to make sure that it’s gone. If it isn’t, then a biopsy will be done. I don’t know how to feel. Part of me is relieved and a little annoyed I didn’t know of this side effect. The person who administered my vaccine could have told me this. However, there’s a chance I’m walking around with breast cancer. Three months is a long time to wait for an answer when the stress is causing me to hallucinate.

It’s been a couple of weeks since I saw the doctor and the hallucinations continue. Not everyday but enough to bother me. I can’t handle stress now, because every stressful situation leads me to have schizo-obsessive symptoms. I’m trying to take it as easy as possible. Just to rest. To be still and to get past this episode and live my life. I’m trying. I’m trying to relax and not worry about the situation. It’s not easy but I’m doing the best I can.