As a schizophrenic, facial expressions are hard for me to make. In fact, my face is naturally blank and I’ve had to practice in front a mirror to know how to form a smile or anything else that remotely resembles emoting emotion. The world we live in demands that I properly communicate with the outside world and that includes my face making the right expression. Not for a minute do I feel the world needs to know I’m schizophrenic. There’s enough stigma that comes with having a mental illness, I don’t need to make matters worse by walking around with an expressionless face. My plan of practicing in the mirror mainly helps with that. There are times I make mistakes but, oh well. However, this has all changed with the mask mandate.
Now I don’t have to contort my face anymore because it’s hidden by a mask. I don’t have to smile at the cashier or the stranger talking to me. In fact, social distancing has kept strangers from talking to me. I no longer spend time in front of the mirror because I don’t have to be “on” for the public. I can just be my stone-faced self. I do try to add inflection in my voice to offset the fact that my face isn’t moving a muscle. That’s much easier than smiling. I’m slightly dreading the day when I don’t have to wear a mask anymore.
Who knows when that will be. I live in California, one of the states with the most restrictions placed on the citizens. When the mandate is lifted, I know I will have to retrain my face. I’m not sure if I want to do this but I also don’t want to walk around with it being incredibly apparent I have something wrong with me. You could say there is nothing wrong with having a mental illness but I live with one and I will tell you that I would do almost anything to be cured. I would love to live my life without this burden. However, there probably won’t be a cure in my lifetime so I shall take my medication and try to seem as normal as possible to strangers. For their benefit and mine. There’s nothing quite like a stranger treating me differently because I’m incapable of changing the look on my face to match the mood of the situation. The COVID numbers are declining in my state and it looks like the masks will be a thing of the past sometime this summer, which means I need to start training for that day now. It’s just, I kind of don’t want to. I kind of like being able to walk around not worried about the appearance my face gives off. I didn’t realize how much I would get used to being “off” and part of me wants to rebel but I remember too clearly the conquences of my day to day interactions with an expressionless face. With a sigh of sadness I will start standing in front of the mirror to practice my game face. Here I go.
Gently Dented 
Don’t feel alone. I also have enjoyed not having to make up my face. It’s such a relief not to have to think about it, though I do think about the eye crinkles in supermarket near miss situations of bumping carts and so on. I was often told to smile when I was a girl and young woman. I practiced smiling almost continuously, as my default expression, for one whole semester at college. The custodian I often met on my travels across campus took to calling me Mona Lisa! So – I appreciate your difficulty is an order of magnitude greater – but I hope it’s some comfort knowning there are people out here who can empathize!
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