I don’t have the luxury to collapse.

Being a mother isn’t easy. I love it with all my heart and can’t imagine doing anything else but along with the usual stresses that come with raising children come the stress of having episodes.

I just finished have a schizophrenic episode. It lasted four weeks. I couldn’t hide in bed, I couldn’t stay all day in my pjs and forget there’s a shower in my house. The days of recuperating at the pace my brain needs to to become stable again are gone. Maybe I’ll get them back when my boys leave the house but maybe by then I will have changed. I have changed. I was able to handle the needs of my boys and hallucinate their decapitated heads on the kitchen floor at the same time. I somehow managed.

This episode was just as awful as the ones in the past but I only had myself to rely on and I soldiered through. I would like a day off to stay in bed. I’m exhausted mentally and I’m not sure if ignoring my need to recuperate is a good thing. I take breaks when I can. My boys are older and can get their own snacks so I can slip away for a bit of time to lay down and try not to cry. I think being a mother has made me stronger. I can’t wallow in my illness anymore. I don’t have the luxury.