To OCD or to not OCD…

I happen to be different from most schizophrenics. Not only to I have vivid visual hallucinations, I know my hallucinations aren’t real. A true schizophrenic has mainly auditory hallucinations and very rarely sees things that don’t exists. These schizophrenics are also completely convinced that what they are hearing is actually happening. It’s a distinction that sets me apart. When I’m seeing my son’s mangled body in the dishwasher, I’m understandably traumatized but I know in my heart of hearts that he isn’t actually dead in the dishwasher. One psychologist mentioned that I probably have schizo-obsessive disorder, which is schizophrenia and OCD. I dismissed the psychologist because I didn’t like her and I have no typical OCD symptoms. Sure I’m obsessive about everything being alphabetized but that’s about it. However, earlier this year I switched psychiatrists and a fresh look at my case prompted me to take another look at the disorder.

I do hands-down, no questions asked, know my visual and auditory hallucinations are all in my head. It doesn’t make it any easier. Last night it sounded like a traffic jam was in my living room and I went into a corner and cried as I waited for the Ativan to calm my nerves. What does this new diagnosis mean? It means I may be able to get off one of my anti-psychotics by adding an anti-depressant. That’s where the fun has started.

My new doctor tried to just take me off of Latuda by reducing my dosage. Going from 120 mg to 80 mg wasn’t easy and it tripped me into a schizophrenic episode. My Saphris was increased and things began to level off. Then I went from 80 to 60 and that kicked off an episode that took a month to get over even after raising the Latuda back to 80. My doctor then told me that if I can get on an antidepressant, I should be able to reduce the Latuda even further. I told him about the time I tried Prozac and ended up in the ER because of rectal bleeding. The ER doctor told me it was the Prozac and that can happen when someone takes aspirin everyday. I had a stroke. I need the aspirin. I went off the Prozac. None-the-less my new doctor wanted me to try Lexapro.

I was on Lexapro for 10 days. Each day I gained a pound and then on day 10 the rectal bleeding started. I took myself off it. I had been down that path before, no need to go to the hospital. I told my doctor that I’m sticking to my current medication regiment for the time being. Last week, during my appointment he suggested another antidepressant that shouldn’t cause bleeding. I told him I’d think about it. I’m not in any hurry to experiment at the moment. I did start taking Adderall because he correctly diagnosed me with ADHD and it has made a world of difference in my day-to-day quality of life.

It’s odd to have my diagnosis go from schizoaffective bipolar disorder to schizo-obsessive ADHD disorder with underlying anxiety in such a short time but it seems to fit better. Whether or not I try a different antidepressant and whether or not I tolerate it better, it’s good to have a better understanding of who I am and what disorder I live with. And isn’t knowing half the battle?