Prozac took my creativity

About six weeks ago I had a rare-for-me depressed episode. I started to think the world would be better off without me. I’ve never felt that way before and it freaked me out. I thought the episode would pass and I could go back to my manic, mixed, and schizophrenic episodes. The feeling didn’t go away, so I called my doctor. Both him and I agreed I needed to go on an antidepressant. He wanted me to start taking a particular antidepressant but one of its side effects is weight gain. I absolutely can’t gain weight. I asked him if there was a medication that doesn’t have that side effect and he mentioned Prozac. I’ve never taken Prozac in all my years of trying to find the right medication regiment. Since Prozac has been on the market for over 20 years, I figured why not?

I haven’t had an episode since starting Prozac which is great. I feel like this is what most people feel like. To have calm in my mind is something to celebrate. It’s just that even though my brain simply feels ordinary, the part that is creative went into hibernation. I don’t feel like myself. Instead of being a little intense and someone prone to episodes every week or so, I’ve been taken over by another Meaghan. I feel muted and I don’t like it.

I’m left with a tough choice to make. Do I go off of Prozac and face the possibility of having another depressed episode or stay on it and just live with the grey in my mind that comes with Prozac? I’m not sure if I can handle life without the colors of my thoughts. It also has brings out a truth I never thought would be true. I kind of like being full of chaos in my mind. My mental disorder has been with me my entire life. I’m used to living that way. I’m used to my brain betraying me on a regular basis. I’m used to the dissociations that cause me to lose time. I’m used to being a bipolar schizophrenic. I miss the creativeness that comes with my illness. What my next move should be is unclear. Don’t worry, whatever I decide I’ll be okay. I always am.