When I was ten, I read ‘Harriet the Spy’ by Louise Fitzhugh. I was a huge mystery fan and someone said it was a good book. It was but there was one line that has stuck with me for the past thirty years. Ole Golly tells Harriet that “There are as many ways to live as there are people on the Earth.” My little ten year old self read that, contemplated the sentence, and had her mind blown open. There are so many ways to live life. Ways I couldn’t even imagine. I was a white, blonde hair, and blue eyed kid. I didn’t think anything of the fact that I only read books with white characters. It never crossed my mind to expand my horizons. Until one day when I was twelve.

I walked into my favorite bookstore only to discover there wasn’t a new Nancy Drew Files and I was all caught up with the Christopher Pike novels. I had gotten bored a month or so prior and read my mother’s copy of ‘The Firm’ by John Grisham so I decided to see what adult books look interesting. That’s where I discovered Amy Tan. There was a copy of ‘The Joy Luck Club’ and it had a pretty cover. I decided to give it a go and my mind was once again blown open. In this book were American citizens having a much different experience in this country. The prose was beautiful and I was enraptured with the multiple story lines of American’s having lives that did not mirror mine. We are living through troubled times right now but I have hope that people are once again waking up. I’m a reader. That’s my hobby. Here I have listed five authors, in alphabetical order, to read so we can gain an understanding that the American experience is not just for those of us with blonde hair and blue eyes.

Sherman Alexie — http://www.fallsapart.com The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian (2007) ‘The Lone Ranger and Tonto Fist Fight in Heaven’ (1993) is my favorite book title of all time and is the reason I picked up the book of interconnected stories back in high school. I was learning about the plight of Native Americans in history class but nothing makes the struggle come face to face with a student than a first hand account. Sherman makes the medication go down a bit easier with humor. All his books are worth reading to help understand what it means to be Native American in a post-colonial nation. He is most known for his 2007 book, ‘The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian’ but I recommend Lone Ranger and Tonto. It will make you uncomfortable and laugh. Normally in the same sentence.

Octavia Butler —www.octaviabutler.org Kindred (1979) Octavia Butler created the category of Female African American Science Fiction Author. A category that no one, to my knowledge has joined her in. Her stories are highly readable but it is her first stand alone novel, ‘Kindred’ that I believe every American needs to read. I live in Meaghanville. In Meaghanville harmony reigns and everyone is kind. ‘Kindred’ made me acutely aware of how brutal humans can be to each other. In this case, white slave owners in the South pre-Civil War. Butler never explains the how behind her main character’s time travels back to a plantation but it doesn’t matter. Each time I was transported to pre-Civil War South an emotion worse than dread filled my heart. Yes, this was a science fiction novel but slavery and slave masters were real. Racism makes no logical sense and it seems that the real life impact has been lost on the masses by the glorification of the South through pop culture, included the “masterpiece” ‘Gone with the Wind.’ When Southerners are no longer viewed as they were, cold hard owners of slaves and the idea that they were victims comes into play, ‘Kindred’ is there to remind us of the harsh reality of this part of American history. I have no sympathy for slave owners who fought and died to keep their right to own fellow human beings, and that’s a lesson we should all be confronted with.

Tanuja Desai Hidier— http://www.thisistanuja.com Born Confused (2002) ‘Born Confused’ and its sequel ‘Bombay Blues’ (2014) are the only two books Tanuja Desai Hidier has written thus far. ‘Born Confused’ follows the story Dimple Lala as she straddles the world of trying to be a typical American teen while wanting to please her very traditional Indian parents. This is the story of the many immigrants who want to be American but the color of their skin and their traditional parents make it very hard to be just that. ‘Born Confused’ was written with such honesty, clarity, and sincerity that I sold the book when I was a bookseller to any one who was truly ready to listen.

Pam Muñoz Ryan— http://www.pammunozryan.com Esperanza Rising (2000) Yes, this is a Children’s book. Pam Muñoz Ryan writes very heartfelt Children’s books about what it means to be Mexican American. ‘Esperanza Rising’ shows the eye opening story of a girl, who had a good life in Mexico but misfortune sends her to America where her life becomes dramatically hard. She is forced to work in the labor fields to survive. The events takes place during the Great Depression. All my history teachers explained how hard it was for white Americans living in poverty. This book made me understand migrant workers had it worse. They still do.

Amy Tan— http://www.amytan.net The Joy Luck Club (1989) Amy Tan is a master American writer. Plain and simple. ‘The Joy Luck Club’ is where I got my start but I have to say ‘The Kitchen God’s Wife’ (1991) is my all time favorite. Her beautiful prose artfully tells the experience of Chinese Americans. Mainly those of mothers and daughters. I love and miss my mom very much but there was never a cultural barrier between us. Amy Tan opened my eyes to a new way of looking at the world. She gave me a way of understanding life that no author has ever done. I love Amy Tan and I hope you will too.

Please, please, please take the time to read one of the authors mentioned on my list, or find another author who can expand your mind on the American experience. My list is in no way complete. These are the books that have touched my heart and mind and I hope they will for you too. Love and sparkles. —Meaghan

Recently I had to go to a specialist doctor for a physical issue I’m dealing with. Filling out the medical history part of the paperwork caused me to stress out a little. Do I lie and say I have no mental issues or do I tell the honest truth about what medications I take? I felt it best the doctor have the list of drugs I take and why. When it came time to see the doctor, he left the door open. This isn’t the first time this has happened. In fact this happens a lot.

My former long time general practitioner knew I was bipolar and he treated me as a normal human being. Upon telling him about the evolution of my diagnosis, he became visibly uncomfortable. The next time I saw him, he left the door open and invited one of his nurses to be in the room with us. He had been my doctor for well over a decade and suddenly I became a threat. When I described to him my symptoms of pleurisy he decided to tell me my problem was all in my head. I knew then it was time to find a new doctor.

Which was a burden all in itself. Every phone call I made to set up an appointment for a physical, I disclosed right away I live with schizoaffective disorder and that I take medication for it. Two offices straight up told me that’s my diagnosis is a problem. Third times a charm as it was the third doctor’s office that said the doctor would treat me. My new general practitioner is a God send and I’m thankful for all the doctors who see me as a patient and not as someone to avoid.

Now, I’m not a perfect person and sometimes my medical issues stem from my psych meds. It can take a lot of testing that comes back negative for me to ask my psychiatrist if my issue is a side effect of my medication. There was the time I started having involuntary eye moment. I ended up having an MRI ordered from a neurologist who left the door open. It turned out to be a side effect of Abilify and to counteract the involuntary eye movements I was prescribed Cogentin. The involuntary eye movements stopped and I continued on with my life feeling guilty for not calling my psychiatrist in the first place. However, there are plenty of times when I have had something wrong with me physically and really do need the guidance of a specialist.

For every doctor who has said I would be the death of them, there’s one who understands even bipolar schizophrenics need physical medical help. It’s just a crap shoot every time I see a new doctor. Will they or won’t they treat me if I confess my mental illness on the form that asks for my medical history? Will they or won’t they close the door?

The past few days have been rough. The episode that I knew was coming was worse that I imagined it would be. I actually had to ask for help for my boys (which is rare). What was so intense? Well, it’s a type episode I rarely have. The last one was six years ago. I disassociated.

I have been so stressed recently with matters out of my control that my brain decided it wanted to check out for a bit. I walked about feeling like an apparition. I felt like a ghost and started to believe I could see through myself. I didn’t want to die, it just felt like I already had. I was watching everyone move on without me, even when someone was trying to interact with me. I stopped driving and doing any sort of activity that would result in me having to pay attention.

This started on a Wednesday night and I called my doctor Thursday morning. He told me to take Ativan in the morning and the evening and to call him on Monday if I’m still experiencing this episode. It’s Sunday now and for the in four days my brain has reconnected with my body. I feel whole again. It feels good to be me again. Who knows how long that will last until I head into another episode. That’s a worry for another day.

Oh look, Meaghan is paranoid again. Again, I say? How about always. I’m paranoid the driver in the car behind me, who is tailgating my car, hates me and wants to run me off the road. I’m paranoid that the driver of the car behind me, who has followed me for a few blocks, is a serial killer that wants to kill me. Then there’s the paranoia that the building I’m about to enter will blow up with me inside. Just when I think I’m safe from my paranoid thoughts, there’s the thinking that everyone in my life hates me.

I try to keep these thoughts to myself, because I know, deep down, they aren’t true. Knowing something is true and believing it’s true are two separate thought processes all together. Sure, I can tell myself that no harm will come to me while I’m in the building but the paranoia makes it hard to go through the doors. I have to fight with myself to even enter the building. Often I find myself altering the path I’m taking on the road just to prove to myself that the driver behind me isn’t going to cause me harm. Then there’s the belief that my friends and family hate me.

That one is the hardest. Especially when a loved one doesn’t return my text or phone call right away. On the other hand, I don’t return texts or phone calls because why should I when the person reaching out doesn’t actually love me? Medication has helped out with these beliefs but it isn’t perfect. The thoughts still leak through. All I can do is live with a split mind. The knowing and the believing. It used to tear my brain apart living this way, but I’ve gotten used to it. That sounds sad and in a way it is. I want to live paranoia free but I have learned to live with this aspect of my disorder and for now, that needs to be enough.