Author: gentlydented

My monthly medications (The cost of health care)

Mental health care is expensive. I don’t understand this fact. It seems that to help people who really need help, it should come with a lower price tag. Especially since I have a disorder that makes it impossible to stay employed when an episode strikes and there’s no safety net. I have good insurance and thus my copayment for my medications are low. However, the market price for all my medications combined, per month, is over two thousand dollars (that’s not a misprint). My psychiatrist doesn’t take insurance and he charges hundreds of dollars for a twenty minute session. My psychologist doesn’t take insurance either. Last year alone, I spent close to nine thousand dollars (again, not a misprint) on my mental health care. I can barely afford it but I’m able to manage.

I could change doctors to ones that take my insurance but it’s always a crap shoot. For every good psychiatrist there’s one that doesn’t seem to know what they’re doing. Plus, my psychiatrist has been my doctor for over fifteen years. I joked a couple of months ago that we’re growing gray together. He knows me. I don’t want to start over again.

I don’t pretend to know every conversation and every circumstance. Some with a mental illness don’t want to accept help. However, just know that if you find yourself telling someone with a mental illness to take medication, you’re not telling them to do something obvious, you’re probably telling them to do something they can’t afford.

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I felt like Alice in Wonderland

So I went from four medications to two in a short span of time due to health reasons. All seemed fine. Until I was in Michael’s Craft Store. I was looking for frames and couldn’t find exactly what I wanted. To get out of the store there’s an option to walk through the fake flower section. It’s one of my favorite things to do. This time wasn’t so pleasant. All the flowers started talking in their own voices. Voices that became louder and louder and less and less intelligible. I literally ran out of the store and only stopped when I got to my car. I couldn’t hear them in my car. I was like Alice running away from all the obnoxious talking flowers. I sat there trying not to hyperventilate. It appeared like two medications wasn’t enough. I did the enviable: I called my doctor. He put me back on Saphris.

The ‘Alice in Wonderland’ moment was a month ago. Sometimes it’s nice to pretend I’m not mentally ill, or that I might be able to get by on two medications. My illness always brings me back to the stark realization my brain doesn’t function normally. What is it like to not need a mood stabilizer and two antipsychotics? What is it like to have calm in the brain? Sure, right now I feel okay, but skipping a dose or two makes it all to clear my brain is diseased. That’s what it is: my brain has a disease and it is treated by strong medications. I could sit here and wallow in a pity party. I could ask “why me?” What would be the point? It is what it is and for the rest of my life I will go from episode to episode. From psychotic moment to psychotic moment. I will go my whole life needing to take medication. Sometimes I will feel like Alice in Wonderland.

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Trying to grasp onto the untouchable

Last night my eldest son was having a hard time sleeping so I gave him Mommy’s Special Blanket. It’s a blanket my mom made for me 20 years ago. He fell asleep blanketed in love. As I kissed him goodnight, I thought to myself, “I can’t wait to call Mom tomorrow to tell her the blanket brought her grandson comfort.” Then, like a ton of bricks, it hit me that Mom died over a decade ago.

Shortly after she died from cancer, I had a dream about her. I don’t put much stalk in dreams and with my disorder comes a symptom of dreaming two to three vivid dreams every night. I’m used to not feeling refreshed in the morning because I spent the night with my brain hard at work. However, this particular dream is one that I will never forget.

The dream went like this:

After Mom’s funeral, my grief brought me to the conclusion that I must bring Mom back to Earth, back to the land of the living. I hunted for a way into Heaven and finally found one. Upon arriving in the afterlife, I found her, of all places, at a beach party eating a hot dog. She looked healthy again. Healthy, before the cancer had riddled her body with disease and even the time before she had gained all her weight. Healthy like how her pictures looked before I was born. She also looked content. More content then I had ever seen her. I begged her to come home with me. I begged her to be alive again. She looked at me and said, “I don’t want to. See you when you get here.” She then turned her back to me and I was catapulted back to Earth. That’s when I decided to find a way to bring her back even if she didn’t want to come home. After searching for years, I finally found a book with the spell to bring her back to life. As I reached for the book, a voice boomed loudly, “That knowledge is not for you.”

I woke up. I cried. Mom telling me she didn’t want to come home was brutal. At the same time, I took comfort in the fact that my brain told me Mom was at peace.

She is stories to my sons. They will never know their Grandmother who would have loved them very much. I hope I do Mom justice in the stories I tell them. I hope they understand what an amazing person she was. It’s hard for me because all I have to hold onto is memories. Then once I die and everyone who knew her dies, will she truly die too? Will she just become a name in a genealogy tree? A name to add and not a story to be told? I want to hug her again but instead I’m trying to hug my memories. It’s not the same. I watch comedic movies she loved just to hear her laugh. I try to remember all the wonderful times we had together. She’s starting to fade in my mind. All I have now is how much love we had for each other. She may not have been a perfect person but she was my perfect mother.

As I watch my boys grow, I know one day I will be a memory to them. I know I will be the memory they’re trying to grasp onto. Then, once everyone I know dies, will I finally die too? Will I become a name for a genealogist to find. A name for a tree and not a living breathing person? These were the thoughts that filled my head as the realization that Mom was dead came back to me after the momentary loss of knowledge. These are not things I can worry about. Not now, not ever. I’m alive and shall live as best as I can. All I can do is remember her much as possible and know I will see her when I get there. Whenever that may be.

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Goodbye, Abilify

In case you didn’t read my blog post about having a stroke, I’ll tell you now that at the age of 36 I had a stroke. Somewhere in the process of my carotid arteries tearing to a near fatal point, my right vertebral artery up and died. That’s correct, I only have three arteries getting oxygen to my brain. Which isn’t a huge deal. I can function for the remainder of my lifetime with the three.

I had been on the antipsychotic Abilify since 2004. It worked to take care of 80% of my psychotic symptoms. The voices mainly stopped and my paranoia dampened down a considerable amount. It may not have completely taken away the issues but 80% is better than nothing. I took it. Then in the fall of 2018, one of Abilify’s box warning side effects caught up to me. Abilify causes the muscles in the arteries to weaken, making it harder for the body to pump blood through it. This isn’t good for someone with naturally low blood pressure and only one vertebral artery. I ended up having fainting spells. I ended up in the hospital. Again.

The doctor at the hospital had to run several tests before coming up with the hypothesis of what was causing my fainting spell. What exactly was causing the lack of blood getting to my brain. He ended up with the triple threat theory, one vertebral artery, low blood pressure, and Abilify. He put me on medication to raise my blood pressure and informed me to talk to my psychiatrist about Abilify because he didn’t want to change my psych meds.

Of course the first thing my psychiatrist did was take me off of Abilify. I finished titrating off of it in November. I was nervous at first. I had been taking it, for better or worse, for fourteen years. I seem to be doing okay. Latuda seems to be handling the weight of my symptoms all on its own just fine. Fingers crossed. It could all go downhill at any moment and one moment it will. When that happens, there is Saphris, my new comfort blanket antipsychotic. It’s good to have a backup. That makes it a little less scary.

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10 films that make me love films

I LOVE films. In fact, I have a film degree. Films entertain us. That’s a simplistic description but it’s accurate. They entertain us, they can make us think about the human experience in ways we hadn’t before, and they can share with us a piece of history. Sometimes they do all three. Books and plays have the ability to do the same but there’s something about films that really is magical. There are a few films that allow me to fully realize how much I love films. In my mind these films hold the coveted title of masterpiece. There are other films that are masterpieces too but they do not inspire me in the ways these films on this list do.

Here are the top 10 in chronological order.

Oh, and here be *SPOILERS* I’m going to write with the assumption that you’ve either seen the movie or aren’t going to bother to watch it. If you don’t want to read spoilers because you want to see the film and you want the plot to be a surprise, then skip the paragraph.

1. The Story of Vernon and Irene Castle (1939)

Director- H.C. Potter

Starring- Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers

At the turn of the 20th century, the world was taken by storm with the husband/wife dancing team of Vernon and Irene Castle. Not only were they happily married, they were trend setters (Irene cut off her hair and made it okay for women to have short hair. My current hair style thanks her), and exceedingly talented. It was only fitting that when Irene was ready to have her love story put on the silver screen the most popular and talented dancing film duo would play the parts. Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers proved they could dance, sing, and romance each other. With this film they proved they could act. I had no idea who Vernon and Irene were when I first watched this film. I had no idea that Vernon died during WWI. The last scene with Irene looking out a window and seeing her and Vernon dance made me sob. It’s just sad. It also made me realize the power of a true love story being truly told. In a world of romantic movies, it was refreshing to see a film that showed a couple who knew and loved each other for better or worse. Irene always carried Vernon in her heart. I will always carry this film in mine.

2. The Shop Around the Corner

(1940)

Director- Ernest Lubitsch

Starring- Margaret Sullivan and James Stewart

I can count on two fingers the number of strictly romantic movies I like. I think Hollywood has a hard time showing the complexity of finding a person to spend the rest of your life with. At the end of almost all romantic films, the protagonists declare true love to each other after only knowing each other for a day. The Shop Around the Corner is the only one of the two that I count as a masterpiece. In fact I wrote an entire college essay about this film. (I got an A) Maybe because the romance blossoms between two retail employees and that’s how my own personal love story started or maybe it’s because it’s such a perfectly sweet film. I don’t know precisely why this film speaks to me but it’s well worth the watch. I love the moment James Stewart’s Alfred discovers Margaret Sullivan’s Kiara is his pen pal. They are enemies at the store where they work but they fall in love over anonymous letters they write to each other. It takes Kiara a bit longer to learn of her pen pal’s identity but when she does, my heart soars. It makes me love love stories. Almost. In case you’re full of curiosity, the only other romantic film I love is Notting Hill (1999). Oh, and I consider The Princess Bride (1987) to be beyond a category.

3. Auntie Mame

(1958)

Director- Morton DaCosta

Starring- Rosalind Russell

This is my all time favorite film. Auntie Mame has yet to cease to be hilarious. Sure, it’s basically line for line the stage play and the sets don’t really go beyond what you would find on Broadway but the colors and the comedy and Rosalind Russell. I love her in every movie she acted in but she makes this movie. She’s larger than life. Deep down, underneath my meek exterior, I’m your Auntie Mame.

4. Cannibal! The Musical

(1993)

Director- Trey Parker

Staring- Trey Parker and Matt Stone

“Hello, I’m Alfred Packer and this is my horse Liane.” Before there was South Park there is my other all time favorite film. I can quote this movie on cue. I’ve listened to the director’s drunken commentary on more than three occasions. Trey Parker somehow makes the tragedy that was Alfred Packer’s story hilarious. Alfred Packer is the only person in US history to have been convicted of cannibalism. His story mirrors the Donner Party story, except he was the only one to survive in his group. I’ve been to the massacre site and to see how freaking close they where to their destination is frustrating. While I was trying to be respectful at the burial site, two women got out of their car giggling. Then I started laughing and we sang ‘Let’s Build a Snowman.’ How can you not laugh?

There is one bit of Trey Parker history that one needs to know before viewing the film. Trey Parker had a fiancé named Liane. They were all set to get married when he caught her cheating on him. I’ll leave it at that. Enjoy.

5. Walking Across Egypt

(1999)

Director- Arthur Allen Seildelman

Starring- Ellen Burstyn and Jonathan Taylor Thomas

Burstyn plays a widow with two ungrateful children. She’s waiting around to die. Thomas plays a delinquent teen in juvie with no clear path to a bright future. They meet and together they forge a friendship and the unloved Westley (Thomas) gets adopted by Mattie (Burstyn). He gives her a reason to live and she gives him a chance. It’s as simple as that. It’s a simple film that was released straight to DVD for Blockbuster (May the company rest in piece) and it always renews my faith in humanity. Every single viewing. The movie has never let me down.

6. Unbreakable

(2000)

Director- M. Night Shyamalan

Starring- Bruce Willis and Samuel L. Jackson

This is the only movie where I walked out of the theater jumping up and down for joy. I love comic books. Especially when I was a teenager. I was 21 when ‘Unbreakable’ came out but I was young enough to remember in shining detail my teenage years. To this day I still love comic book movies but ‘Unbreakable’ was the first comic book movie for comic book lovers. M. Night Shyamalan had recently garnered a lot of fame because of his twist ending in ‘The Sixth Sense’ and early reviews mentioned ‘Unbreakable’ also had a twist ending. I figured out Sense’s ending long before the major reveal and I was confident I was right about ‘Unbreakable.’ I needed Samuel L. Jackson’s Elijah Price to be the evil mastermind to the hero, David Dunn (Bruce Willis) Then Elijah said those magic words: “You know why, David? It’s because of the kids. They called me Mr. Glass.” I clapped really loud and laughed, making the people around me jump. It was the perfect ending to a perfect movie.

7. There Will Be Blood

(2007)

Director- Paul Thomas Anderson

Starring- Daniel Day-Lewis and Paul Dano

When I first saw this film in the theater, I hated it. In fact, I thought it to be quite possibly the worst movie I had ever seen. I had a strong and emotional negative reaction to it. Then the movie started eating away at my thoughts. It filled my dreams. It was all I could think about. It wore me down, so naturally I went to see it again in the theater and fell in love. It’s such a dark twisted tale of pure evilness in human form. It pained me when it didn’t win Best Picture at the Academy Awards that year. What movie could have been better than the film that ended with the talk of drinking milkshakes? The Academy apparently believed ‘No Country for Old Men’ was better. I disagree.

8. Milk

(2008)

Director- Gus Van Sant

Starring- Sean Penn and Josh Brolin

The editing. The editing. The editing. This is simply the best edited film ever to have existed. The acting wasn’t bad either. I want to leave it at that but I fear that may be a disservice to Harvey Milk. It’s just that the editing breaths life into the story of the first openly gay person elected to office. The editing gives a punch to a story that is already pounding on the doors of US history not to be forgotten. The editing honors the old saying that history is not the dead past of the living but the living past of the dead.

9. The Secret Life of Walter Mitty

(2013)

Director- Ben Stiller

Starring- Ben Stiller and Kristin Wiig

The original short story by James Thurber was a fun little read about nothing really. The version Danny Kaye stars in (1947) gives the story a plot and an antagonist. Ben Stiller throws the story off a cliff and allows it to soar. It’s not quite a feel good film but it about finding happiness in a world of chaos. Even when that chaos is in your head. I was grinning the entire way through this movie when I saw it in the theater. I can’t help but look at my DVD copy and smile. It just makes me happy knowing this film exists.

10. Bohemian Rhapsody

(2018)

I’m a sucker for stories about an influential person that ends in sadness. I can’t help it. Life is full of tragedy. I don’t have time to see many movies in the theater these days, so it’s a big deal when I take time out of my full schedule to go to the theater. I’ve seen this film twice. It may not be perfectly truthful in its telling of the story of Freddie Mercury and Queen but it’s a love letter to their music. It’s a love letter to Freddie Mercury. It honors him by showing how awesome he was, loneliness and all. As of right now, the Academy has yet to give out their highest honor and I hope with all my heart that will it goes to ‘Bohemian Rhapsody.’

UPDATE: Curse you Academy!

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The melancholy of doom

Something bad is going to happen in my life. I just know it. Except for the fact that nothing will happen. I’ve had this feeling before and will most likely have it again. It’s a feeling I can’t shake but the feeling never comes to fruition. Instead it just makes me sad and annoyed.

Life right now is calm. This feeling of doom doesn’t only happen when life is calm and whenever life is calm this feeling doesn’t always visit my brain. What can I do? I’m sure this will pass. It always does. It’s frightfully annoying because of all the times in my life where tragedy has struck, it’s caught me off guard. Right now I’m on guard and I’m sitting here trying not to freak out. I’m sitting here knowing I can’t see the future but really, to be honest, if something were to happen, I’d feel like I had psychic powers. This melancholy of doom is eating away at my good mood. Maybe that’s what’s going on. Right now my brain isn’t allowing me to sit back and relax. My brain hasn’t relaxed in almost two years. It kind of doesn’t know what to do with itself.

I also doubt this is specific to my disorder as I have a sneaking suspicion everyone feels this way every now and again. That is something to take comfort in. Not only am I not alone but this is a common thread in the psychology of humankind. Sure it’s making me sad and annoyed but I’m not being crazy. I’m being normal.

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My son wrapped his legs around my waist

This may not sound all that exciting to most parents who pick up their child and their child immediately hugs the parent with their legs. Let me explain.

In August of 2017 I started to notice my almost two year old son wasn’t hearing sounds as well as he should. I would call his name and he wouldn’t respond. I would walked up to him from behind and clap very loudly and he wouldn’t flinch. He wasn’t talking. I took him to a pediatric hearing doctor and the tests they performed showed he was indeed partially deaf. Cut to several tests later, all with the same results, an Auditory Brainstem Response (ABR) test was performed. The test involves sedating the child to measure how many sound waves are making their way to the brain. Well, my son passed with flying colors. He could hear just fine. He was just good at ignoring the world around him. 

A month later, he needed hernia repair surgery and the nurse taking care of him had assumed I had my son diagnosed with autism. I went along because something had started to click in my head. She commiserated with me because her son was autistic too. I went home and her words kept eating at my thoughts. He still wasn’t talking. He had poor social skills. His nickname was “squiggles” because he was squirmy and wiggly every time he was picked up. In fact when he wasn’t being squiggly he would just be still and not affectionate at all.

Nine months and seven different doctors (all in agreement) he had his diagnosis. Moderate autism. My son’s autistic. He’s receiving therapy and he’s gaining words. He’s a sweet boy. He even hugged me once. Then the other day I picked him up and he wrapped his legs around my waist and held on. I stopped. I wasn’t ready to put him in the car. He still lives in his own world. When he gets excited he jumps up and down and flaps his arms. He’s incredibly rigid in everything he does. I took a moment to let him just cling to me. I took the rare moment of a child needing his mother. It was a moment of bliss and then he became himself again. He let go. I’m not sure if or when it will happen again but I’m glad it happened at all.

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Happy birthday, John Denver

Today is what should have been John Denver’s 75th birthday had he not tragically died in a plane crash in 1997. It seems odd that for 22 years there hasn’t been any new John Denver songs. On his last recorded album he sang a cover of ‘People Get Ready.’ It’s as if he knew he wouldn’t make it past a year but then again, for some reason, it brings us comfort to think someone knew they were going to die before they experienced a full lifetime.

Growing up John Denver was the only musical artist my dad listened to. Which meant for the most part, John Denver was the only artist I listened to. When Christmas rolled around, John’s everyday music was put away and out came the Christmas albums. One would think with so much exposure to John Denver, I would hate his music as an adult. That’s not true. It’s quite the opposite. John Denver feels like home. He calms me down when I’m stuck in bumper to bumper traffic. I marvel at the majesty of his lyrics.

Sure not every song is a masterpiece. ‘Polkadots and Moonbeams’ isn’t a song he could brag about. When you have songs flowing from your fingertips, they can’t all be great. However he was a talented and gifted singer/songwriter/performer. I do wish I could have seen him in concert before he passed away. I shall leave you with the partial lyrics of my favorite John Denver song ‘Autograph.’ I think this song is true for ever songwriter no matter what genre. Before the closing with those lyrics, lot of friends will be wishing each other “Happy New Year!” as they should. I instead shall say “Happy birthday, John Denver. Thank you for your gift of music.”

 

 

Autograph

This is my autograph

Here in the songs that I sing

Here in my cry and my laugh

Here in the love that I bring

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I promise to be more

I have the label of living with a severe mental illness. An illness that isn’t widely understood and is way too often feared. I love talking about my schizoaffectiveness. Sure, my blog doesn’t reach many people but hopefully it spreads a little bit of knowledge to those who do read it.

What I also have is a ton of other labels. I’m a mother, a wife, a daughter, and a sister. I have a passionate love for the Winter Dance Party plane crash that killed Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens, and the Big Bopper. I love John Denver. My favorite person in history is Lady Jane Grey, not just because she was highly educated but because after nine days on the English throne she allowed herself to be executed at the tender age of 16 due to her religion conventions. Conventions I will never have. I wear glasses. I’m short and hate having that pointed out to me. I’m never truly filled with the Christmas spirit because I’ve been scarred by 14 years of working in retail. My favorite actors are Danny Kaye and Ginger Rogers. Cyndi Lauper is my hero because she taught me to be myself no matter how odd that may be. I’m a reader and a film snob. I have a lot of other attributes that aren’t coming to my head right now because I just woke up.

Here’s my New Year’s resolution: I promise to make my blog more than just my illness. I shall talk about being mentally ill but I will have posts about other topics of interest to me. Maybe you might learn something new, maybe you won’t read it. I just want to share that I’m more than my illness. What’s your New Year’s resolution?

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Alexa scares me

It freaks me out when I talk to my car while driving but I can’t be fiddling with my phone to choose Nina Nesbitt’s playlist. There I am driving telling my car to play Nina Nesbitt and my car (Anne) will ask me if I want to hear the artist or the playlist. Now as some as you may know, one of my first cars (a 1982 Toyota Corolla Tercel) told me her name was Peggy Sue and she became one of my best friends. I knew it wasn’t normal to hear actual voices but I also didn’t think there was anything I could do about it so I had fun with my disorder.

However, I currently take medication to stop inanimate objects from talking to me and now technology is creating inanimate objects that talk. I don’t like it. I have Siri turned off. I refuse to buy Alexa and as much as I like not changing the playlists I’m listening to in my car manually, I kind of wish it wasn’t a feature Anne came with.

I’m grateful to be living in a day and age where medication is decent. It affords me the quality of life I lead. I just worry one day I won’t be able to tell if the machine is actually talking to me or if it’s all in my head. Welcome to the world of a schizophrenic in modern Western society. Yay me.

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