The weather is getting warmer and the micro hallucinations have started back up.

One hallucination no daily medication has ever been able to fully get rid of is that of flying insects. When I see flies, I’ve learned to ask the person next to me if they see the flying insect too. This is a seasonal hallucination. It always starts just before spring turns to summer. The hallucinations don’t settle down and go away until shortly after fall begins. Normally, it’s only one or two flies, nats, or unidentifiable black flying insects. I know I’m absolutely hallucinating when there’s more than five. When that happens, I will reach for my as needed visual hallucination medication. It just doesn’t feel like the summer months without this symptom of my schizophrenia.

I was recently visiting my mother-in-law with my family, when I noticed a fly buzzing around. I finally asked my husband and MIL if they saw it too. Both denied seeing the fly. I thanked them and sat there, trying to not follow the hallucination with my eyes. I tried to ignore it the best I could and keep up with the conversation. I was distracted though. There are moments I can laugh at such a minor hallucination but that day, all I could think about was how this was just another reminder that I live a life that isn’t normal. I try to live as normally as possible but there’s nothing normal about my brain. I take two powerful antipsychotics on high doses and yet I hallucinate. I almost started to cry as the fly was going in and out of my line of sight. I didn’t feel self-pity, I wasn’t thinking, “why me?” but my thoughts were, “where there ever be a cure?” and, “will I ever know peace?”

Medications have come a long way. My paternal grandfather had to suffer with his schizophrenia without any medication. It wasn’t that the medication at the time wasn’t effective, it was that there was no medication at all. I know that if I lived at any other time in history, I’d be in an institution or on the streets. I’m very fortunate for the life I have. The dreams I had in high school of being able to have a stable life have come true. I’m able to raise my boys just fine and be a productive member of society. I have a husband who handles his schizophrenic wife with such grace, he deserves a medal. He has always supported me and he pays for my doctors and medication. I have a MIL who is always there to help me the times I do need extra help. I sat on her couch, reminding myself of how blessed my life is, flying insects and all.

About an hour after we got home, my MIL called and said she did see a fly and now the fly is dead, so see I wasn’t hallucinating. I didn’t worry about whether or not she was telling the truth or just trying to make me feel better. I appreciated the fact that she was looking out for me. I know this post is a little bit of a ramble but I just had to ask my son if he sees the fly in my living room (he doesn’t). There’s still work for the scientists to do with research for schizophrenic medication but I’m grateful for how far antipsychotics have come. Sure, there’s not a fly in my living room, but I am. Because of modern medicine, I’m able to be home with my boys, enjoying their company. In this moment I’m full of gratitude.