Cry. Laugh. Scream.

Whoever said crying doesn’t solve anything has never felt the emotional release a good sob fest can bring. I discovered the magic a healing bout of crying can bring when I was a teenager. When I was all alone in the house and full of stress brought on by yet another bipolar episode, I would sob out loud for as long as needed. Normally about an hour. I would walk from room to room, sitting here and there, and just cry out warm gigantic tears.

Somewhere in my twenties, I started to feel the need to laugh and sob. They intertwined themselves so much that at any given moment I didn’t know if I was laughing or crying. Most of the time I was doing both at the same time. It’s a feat I never thought possible.

Then in my thirties, the screaming came about. I would enter my empty house and scream at the top of my lungs, then laugh, then cry, then laugh again, and cycle back into screaming. Doing this really helps when I’m feeling overwhelmingly stressed. It helps bring the end to a particularly bad episode or ward off another episode for a day or two.

Today a new aid helped. I came home and screamed. And then, yes, I laughed and cried too. Then I realized there was still noise in my head, so I turned on Me First and the Gimme Gimmes. They’re a punk rock band that does punk versions of classic songs. The noise of the band drowned out the noise in my head. After an about thirty minutes of punk music accompanied by crying, laughing, and screaming I felt better. I have just lived through a schizophrenic episode and a mixed bipolar episode. I’m recovering and after today’s performance for me alone, I’m starting to feel calm again. I love feeling calm.