Sometimes I like to imagine what could be.

What is it like to have a normal brain? Oh, I know, everyone has something wrong with them but for some of us, that something massively intrudes on our lives. My something (bipolar and schizophrenia) engulfs me in a never ending cycle of being ill and fighting the illness. I can’t escape my disorder no matter how hard I try. Yes, I can go a week or so without an episode but every night I have to take medication. I can never just go to bed. I have to honor my treatment plan or my brain will spiral out of control and I won’t be able to function. My medication is the difference between life at home or at an institution. So yes, this means always needing to be focused on my disorder even when I’m having a rare day of feeling fine.

It would be nice though to know how it feels to just be. To just be Meaghan. To not have the label of schizoaffective. To be normal and not have to have an appointment with a psychiatrist every couple of weeks, or more. To not have to worry when the next episode is going to happen. To be free. What if I actually was able to live life with calmness always in my mind? What if I simply heard the term “mental illness” and didn’t full understand what it meant? What if I could just go to bed without needing to take psych meds? The what ifs are endless.

However, I don’t live in the land of what if, I live in the land of what is. That’s all I know. If I think about “what if” for too long, it’ll drive me nuts. More than I already am.