Oh look, I’m about to have an episode.

I seem to always be going into an episode, having an episode, or coming out of an episode. With medication, the episodes can be less severe and the time between coming out and going into an episode are usually longer. I can now have weeks of calm, which is something I never imagined growing up would happen.

About a month ago, I had a straight up schizophrenic episode where it felt as though I was covered in flesh eating bugs. There was peace in my brain after it ended. However, my brain is starting to feel agitated. It feels like I’m barreling down tracks towards a cliff on a runaway train. The only thing I can do is brace for the fall. I can tell I’m about to have an episode, I just can’t tell what type I’ll have. The beginning always feels the same and that is how I’m feeling today. I’ve been feeling this way for days and it’s a guessing game as to what I need to prepare for.

When my diagnosis was simply bipolar, there were only three sorts of episodes I had: depressed, manic, or mixed. Now that schizophrenia is part of the equation, there are a few more ways for my brain to go. On top of the three types of bipolar options, I can now experience hallucinations, grand delusions, or both. It’s interesting to me that going into any of the episodes feel the same because each type is vastly different. I’m used to them all and I know that each one will pass and I’ll hopefully get a bit of a break to catch my breath before the next begins.

If a cure happens in my lifetime, how long would it take me to adjust to having peace in my head at all times? I can’t dwell on that hypathetical question for too long. I have more important things to spend my brain power on. My brain is warning me that it’s time to bunker down and concentrate on not going completely over the edge. Knowing that an episode is about to happen comes with the knowledge it will pass. With every beginning there is an ending, and then a beginning, and then an ending. The time in-between will last however long my brain feels like letting the episode last. Whatever type of episode it will be, I’ve been through it before and it will go through it again. As vague as my brain is, I’m glad to have the warning. Now it’s time to brace for whatever’s in store for me next.